Guest Blogger- Jeff- One and a Half

Well, the title says that Jeff's the guest blogger, but he isn't actually aware that he is. I just thought it would be a good way to give him credit for the poem that I'm about to copy in and that he has no idea I'm posting. He wrote it in August of '98, about an experience that had happened in '94.

The relevant background is... in '94 he was married to his first wife (Dani) and was on a business trip in Utah when he experienced an, um, torsion. Well, you'll get the rest in his words. Oh yah, Matt is his brother who happened to live in Salt Lake City at the time.

Note- any exceptionally squeamish readers may want to skip this one. But, for those with a somewhat skewed sense of humor, it's pretty amusing.

“One and a half”
By
Jeff

Now come hear my tale
Please try not to wail
As I tell you of something quite gory
And please try to stay
And don’t run away
As I recount my horrible story

It started one morn
In a place quite forlorn
That I like to call Salt Lake City
Though the day started fair
It went downhill from there
And ended up being quite shitty

I had finished that day
In that store, far away
At the mall they call ZCMI
So I sat down to wait
For Matt (who was late)
When I started to sense something awry

While I wandered the halls
It felt like my balls
Had been kicked till they turned black & blue
In the restroom that day
Much to my dismay
I had three nuts, where once there were two

Not three nuts, per se
But still on that day
My nut had been steadily swelling
So I limped to the store
Where I’d seen before
Some Advil that they had been selling

As I took two pills
To take care of my ills
(And maybe to lighten my mood)
My brother appeared
And looked at me weird
And said, “What’s wrong with you, dude?”

There was no time for that
No idle chit chat
As my face turned increasingly white
So I limped to the car
(Which was not parked that far)
And we headed to go catch my flight

To the airport we fly
My good brother and I
While puking my guts out the door
On the floor I did lie
Praying God I would die
Then jump up to go puke some more

So I got up to go
As they called out my row
And I nearly passed out from the pain
And I cried just a little
As I sat in the middle
Of that seriously overbooked plane

What a flight, I recall
As it felt like my ball
Was seriously going to erupt
But I tried not to shout
As I dozed in and out
And kept my cajones well cupped

We finally touched down
In dear Denvertown
And as Dani drove home from that flight
You might want to laugh
But I thought a hot bath
Would put an end to my horrible night

The bath didn’t work
So I thought, “You jerk!
You might as well go see a nurse”
So we got in the car
And drove (not that far)
Before my balls got any worse

So I got on the table
While I was still able
And for some painkillers I yearned
The doctor, he told me,
“It looks like your nut, see
Has gotten all twisted and turned”

“It’s not any good
If it’s not getting blood
And we might not be able to save it”
“But if not all of its dead”
The urologist said,
“We might just be able to shave it”

“Whatever,” I said
As I lay on the bed
“Just do what you think is best”
And he said, “Don’t worry
I’ll be done in a hurry
And the nurse will take care of the rest”

So they wheeled me away
And I started to say,
“Will I still be able to tinkle”
Then I counted to one
And before I was done
I was out like old Rip Van Winkle

I awoke in my bed
To the male nurse, who said,
“You know that your testy was saved”
So I felt down below
And what do you know
It wasn’t just inside they shaved!

Now my story is done
I hope you had fun
And maybe enjoyed a small laugh
But the rest of you crew
As you fondle your two
Think of me, and my one and a half